It’s Always Sh**ty in Philadelphia

Let’s get this out of the way right now: F**K PHILADELPHIA.

I hate their sports teams. I hate their fans. I hate their garbage city. The cheesesteaks are sloppy and greasy(but good), the people are loud and obnoxious, and the city just looks like it forgot how to clean itself.

Rocky? Great. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Brilliant. That’s it… and the cheesesteaks…but that’s the list. Everything else about that city makes me physically recoil.

Love you Cam Skattebo get well soon <3

I think it all started on July 23, 2011. Real Madrid vs. Philadelphia Union at Lincoln Financial Field. I went with my family, my mom’s job at Lincoln at the time was able to snag us a box, so naturally we had to go. I decided that day to wear my blue favorite. My Eli Manning #10 Giants jersey. Not a Real Madrid one who I’m a fan of, not neutral colors, not a regular t-shirt. Nope, I walked straight into enemy territory in bright royal blue. My parents told me not to. I didn’t listen.

And then it happened. The heckling. The curses. From grown adults. At me, a child. Because that’s who they are. Disgusting, miserable people who think bullying a twelve year old in a football jersey is some kind of civic duty. From that moment, it was over. A lifelong grudge was born. Thank goodness we were in a suite or else I think CPS would have to do an investigation on my parents for letting me do that.

But if we’re talking trauma, something cold, a memory that makes me shake, one of the worst days I can remember vividly sporting-wise.  Well, then nothing beats December 19, 2010. I remember this game so clearly, I remember my basement layout being reversed because we had hosted Thanksgiving that year and our basement TV and couches we didn’t move over yet.  And this was the day DeSean Jackson returned that punt and shattered my spirit. I cried that day. Real tears. Probably the moment I knew I was tied to the Giants for life, I mean heck I cried as a result of a football game. The Giants collapsed, Matt Dodge punted like he’d never seen a football before and right to Jackson, and Jackson, the prick, danced his way into the end zone like it was choreographed just to ruin me. Just to rub it in. So yeah, an especially meaningful middle finger to you, DeSean Jackson.

The disgust runs deep. It’s more than just the Eagles but they hold a special place in my hate. Rangers vs. Flyers? Don’t care if I’ve never personally suffered because of them. For what I can remember we’ve usually had the better of our exchanges, the Winter Classics. But my blood curdles when I see that orange. It’s like I’m allergic to their entire aesthetic. Thugs the like of them, boooooooo!! I mean I don’t know how my friend Max likes them, but then again nothing about his teams. makes sense to me. Oh and it would be fitting if i was a Mets fan for me to hate the Phillies too, but I’m not so Phillies like thank you for the 2009 World Series. HAHA. The 76ers? Well, they just exist. So f**k them too.

And even when I’ve gone to Philly as an adult, trying to be fair, trying to be reasonable, it’s still awful. Every street feels sticky. Every corner smells like beer, but not in a good way, and heartbreak. If I had to rate it, it’s a D-tier city pretending to be something more. They call themselves tough. The “City of Brotherly Love” pshhhhh. They say they’re built different. What they mean is they’re one bad play away from flipping a car, climbing lightpoles and tearing the city apart win or lose. I really dislike the city but like in a fun professional way if that makes sense.

And then a little something for Jalen Hurts. I’ve never seen it from him. He is the most overhyped quarterback in the league. A product of the system, that stupid stupid tush push(BAN IT HE FUMBLED BTW), he’s been carried by an elite offensive line and luck, and yet he’s treated like he’s some kind of chosen one.  Oh my god I mean we’re seeing it now with the Colts, but give Daniel Jones 1/2 of the supporting cast Hurts has had and people will be thinking he is the second coming of Christ. Jalen Hurts is the perfect representative for Philadelphia. Flashy, loud, and beneath it all I bet he’s a scumbag too.

So yeah. F**K PHILADELPHIA.
Eff their teams, their fans, their fake tough guy personas.

There are rivalries. There are grudges.
And then there’s me vs. Philadelphia.