100 Men vs 1 Gorilla

Let me start by saying: I have a deep and profound love for gorillas dating back to when the atrocity at the Cincinnati Zoo occurred on May 28, 2016 (RIP Harambe).  But with that said, I have to have a take on this debate that’s been rampant on social media all week. So I’m not a violent person. I’m not someone who watches animal documentaries and thinks, “Yeah, I could take that thing.” But there’s a thought experiment that’s been fueling my for you pages, and it goes something essentially like this: 100 random adult men, barehanded, no weapons, completely naked, versus one fully-grown, absolutely furious gorilla. Who wins?

It’s absurd. It’s morbid. It’s ridiculous. But also… it’s kind of profound? Dare I say beautiful?

At first glance, it seems like a no-brainer right. The gorilla is on average a 450-pound machine built by nature to rip, bite and shred. It’s faster, stronger, and meaner than any one of us. Put one man against that? Easy. Put five? Still a massacre. But one hundred? Hmmmmm.

This is where things get interesting.

Now, let’s establish some assumptions. These aren’t Navy SEALs or Olympic athletes. These are one hundred average, untrained adult men. Like just the kinda dude that you see at the supermarket, just a man who possibly spends his evenings at the bar. Now they’re naked, because why not raise the stakes. No clothes means no armor, although like what good is a T-shirt gonna do, but alas.  Just flesh, fear, sweat and whatever primal instinct bubbles up in this death-match scenario.

My first thought is obvious: these men are going to get killed.

The first 10? Gone before anyone realizes what’s happening. The gorilla charges and someone’s sternum (thank you EA Sports Madden for making me aware what a sternum is) folds like a lawn chair…BAM. The shock of that alone would ripple through the group like lightning. Screams, panic, if these men had pants, they would be soiled. Some guys run. Some freeze. Others try and hide. And a few heroes charge in and kind of accept their fate. It’s chaos.

But here’s the thing. Gorillas, for all their raw power, coolness and sex appeal among other gorillas, aren’t invincible. They’re animals. Powerful, sure, but not bulletproof. Which sucks because this is a no weapons scenario so next time.  While 1-on-1  you couldn’t touch that thing.  But luckily for the men this is 100 at a time and not 1v1 until all 100 of went.

Here’s how I imagine it plays out, and yes I will be thinking of the best case scenario. After the initial massacre, and let’s be honest there will be one, the men rally. Shock gives way to desperation. A guy who just saw Joe from the bank get yeeted into a tree has a moment of clarity. He darts after the gorilla’s leg. Another guy joins in. Then a third. Maybe someone bites (why not?). The key is mass. We need a World War Z style dogpile. Not just 3 guys at a time, but waves. Relentless, unflinching, overwhelming pressure of nearly 100 men from every direction.

The first 30? RIP. Gone. Torn apart, limbs might be used as weapons against the others. But by the time you get 40, 50 men on this thing, physics starts to matter. The gorilla can’t throw what it can’t reach. If they can smother it, maybe weigh it down, keep it from breathing or moving, just maybe, we the humans can turn the tide. We’re not talking elegant tactics here. MMA coaches would not be proud of the techniques on display. We’re talking ugly, barbaric survival energy.  Almost us reverting back to neanderthal days. I’m talking biting, choking, eye gouging, all the tricks that would get Herb Dean to DQ you if this was a UFC fight. One hundred naked men becoming a single, furious organism with one goal: immobilize the gorilla.

This is where I had the thought of well biologically speaking a male gorilla would be stronger so let’s play on that assumption.  What incapacitates a man in an instant… kick him in the family jewels.  Why not? Now I’m sure it’ll hurt the gorilla but that’s a tough area to get to but maybe one man sacrifices himself and goes for the low blow.

It’s not pretty. It’s not glorious. But it’s possible.

Do I think the humans edge out a win? With enough coordination (or just blind panic and desperation) and the utmost commitment to the mission? Yes. But barely. At a horrific cost. I’m talking 75 to 85 casualties minimum. Some of the survivors will never walk again. Some will carry emotional trauma and PTSD so deep that this will be felt for generations. But the gorilla eventually goes down. Not because it wasn’t capable. But because 100 humans, when cornered and desperate, are capable of truly terrible things.

And as I said before isn’t that kind of beautiful in a twisted way?

Not the gorilla murder. But the fact that even in a hopeless, nightmare scenario, man in all his fragile weak boned mediocrity, might claw his way to victory through nothing but sheer numbers and grim determination.

So yes. Most of the men die. But it’s a worthy sacrifice. And a fun thing to think about :)