Why I Think Swimming in the Chicago River When It’s Green Is A Great Idea?

So yea we all know what day it is today and that’s got me thinking. I think swimming in the Chicago River when it’s that radioactive green color would be so much fun. And no, I’m not talking about the whole “St. Patrick’s Day” dyeing thing. In my mind, the Chicago River is kinda always that green, I never picture it another way really so to me its naturally lime green. Like, neon green goo and just bubbling with that chaotic Chicago energy the whole time. You know, the kind of green that makes you question if it’s even really water anymore.

But here’s the thing, I think the green, that is what i will refer to it as.  But the green, that’s half the appeal. The river doesn’t just look radioactive, it feels like it might actually give you superpowers. I jump in, and boom, I’m sprinting home like Dash from the Incredibles or suddenly all of my Duolingo practices have paid off and maybe I’m fluent in five languages. Or maybe I’d just glow faintly in the dark for like a week or so, but hey, that’s still a win in my book. Honestly, if I stumbled out of the river looking like a human glow stick, I wouldn’t even be mad. I’d just accept my fate and start charging people for pictures like I was Elmo in Times Square. (MAN I LOVE NEW YORK) (BEST CITY IN THE WORLD) (WOOOO)

But at the end of the day, what is really in that river, like are Al Capone’s goons, his enemies, my hopes and dreams???  No one knows, and that’s also key to what makes this potential swim tempting. I’m not just taking a dip; I’d be embarking on an adventure. A potentially regrettable, definitely-questionable adventure, but an adventure nonetheless.Would it be a good idea? Ehhhhhh probably not. But imagine the street cred, the girls in my DM’s (to who I would not respond because I am afraid). Imagine the looks on my friends and families’ faces when I tell them that I dove headfirst into the green abyss and lived to tell the tale. I’d for sure get disgusted looks or something but like just imagine.  Because you know what? Sometimes life’s about the stories. And “I swam in the Chicago River and now for the rest of my life my hair glows in the dark” sounds like a pretty cool story to me.