Why a Humpback Whale Would NOT Swallow Me

So, as I’m sure your fake news of choice told you, (that was cringe sorry) recently a kayaker in Chile got briefly swallowed by a humpback whale. Now “good” news if you are a man or woman of honor, the dude is fine. And as my friend the Bible would say, “He went full Jonah.”  Well I doubt the bible would use those words, we’re not as good friends anymore but basically this dude got gulped down for a second, and then the whale spat him out like I spit out Brussels sprouts. All in all an amazing story to read one of these days.

But let’s be real, this wouldn’t have happened to me. Why? Quite frankly…I’m different. I am him. I am Himothy H. Himmington MD. I know Victoria’s Secret. I am the one who can see John Cena. Okay I’m not KSI, but listen right, this wouldn’t happen to me.

First off, my instincts are too sharp. I’d sense the shift in the water. I’d hear the crawfish and krill scream. I could feel the vibration of an almost (googles weight), 80,000 pound beast (gulps) about to ruin my day and just, like, slightly move to the left and paddle out of the way. While other people are out here getting accidentally devoured, I’m moving with the awareness and dexterity of Simone Biles.

Second reason why it couldn’t happen to me, I simply do not belong in situations where whales are an active threat. Will you ever see me in a kayak? No. And it isn’t just because I’m afraid of fish and the deep ocean. I have a deep almost primal respect for large bodies of water and the creatures within them. If an animal is big enough to eat me on accident, I take that personally and will do my best to STAY out of its way and path.

But for a minute, a second even…let’s entertain the thought. Let’s say I was in some altered mind state, just out there, vibing in my kayak, singing some Clairo, when a massive mouth appeared beneath me. At first perhaps as a coping mechanism, dirty thoughts would run rampant through my head. But would I, like this lucky kayaker, live to tell the tale?

Absolutely not. I would die immediately. And I’m man enough to admit it.

Not from drowning, not from being chewed (Future Me: apparently humpbacks don’t even have teeth,) but I would simply die from sheer terror. My soul would depart my body mid-swallow, perhaps even moments before the swallow. The second I saw darkness close in, my heart rate would spike to an unholy BPM, my Apple Watch would start alerting me that something was wrong and that would be it. I already have the RIP memes made of myself in the image of the XXXtentacion and Queen Elizabeth one. The behemoth of a whale wouldn’t even get the chance to spit me out, I’d already be a ghost, and already be on my way haunting the Pacific, telling every passing fish, “Bro, have you seen It’s Always Sunny?” I would be haunting the oceans with my version of some of the hottest karaoke songs, all off key and slightly off beat of course.

So yeah. Humpback whales couldn’t and wouldn’t swallow me because I wouldn’t allow myself to be in that situation. But if they did? It’s been real, y’all. If I ended up like Pinocchio someone must’ve slipped something in my drink and then I awake in a whale? This was a fun write. GO WHALES! I am going on the record as a whale ally.